My father was a disciplinarian. He was raised in a like manner. He grew up in an era that taught that the will of children needs to be broken in order to control them. I suspect his disciplinarian father was similar.\r\n\r\nThis resulted in two conflicting drivers in me. The first, “I have to”, came as a result of the withdrawal of love being used as a weapon of parenting. If you don’t behave in a certain way, you will be, first physically punished, and then left alone, deserted, in an emotional cemetery of life. Little Jimmy survived by adapting a drive to strive to be enough, but never knowing when enough is reached.\r\n\r\nThe second driver is “I can’t”. This came as a result of being told repeatedly, no, we can’t afford that. You aren’t important enough to be recognized. This leads to the fear of failure, of being knocked down repeatedly.\r\n\r\nThe end result is a subconscious that eternally repeats a recording of “I have to. I can’t”. Couple that with a “Do it Now, and Do it Perfectly” personality, and you have the struggle in my brain all the time. No wonder I have demons.
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